My Chronicles of Comcast

So, the gamer finally moves out on his own into the world. He can’t afford cable internet for a few months, but he abides. Anxiously waiting for the day he can yet again hear the cries of newbs around the world as he crushes their nubness with all his glory. Some day, Comcast, you shall be at my house.

The glorious day arrives (late July) and boy am I ever excited. So what’s the first thing I do? Well instead of renewing a subscription to an MMO or two I decide I want to pwn some newbs in CS (1.6, no source here nubs). So I join one of my favorite servers (CSGamer Gungame) and commence the raping. Two kills later as I’m about to jump around a corner and stab some face for that free level and degrading kill I freeze midair, glance at my net_graph 3, and notice that my ping has jumped to 300ms. Joy! I figure it’s just a hiccup, you know, the newly connected cable letting me know who’s boss. So it unfreezes and I’m dead, I haven’t respawned because I guess when you lag during that time you just don’t.

So I figure, maybe it’s just this server, it’s been known to have problems in the past and I can’t have a fault Comcast internet connection right, there’s no way that could be possible. So I hop on Guild Wars because you don’t have to pay to play and I’m jonesing for some gaming. After 30 minutes of play, 10 minutes of being slingshotted across the zones I was in, and 20 minutes of being told I’m trying to attack too often, I check my ping. Ping: 257 Average Ping: 2000. Joy!

So I call the apartments Comcast hookup, on the inside! I originally felt so privileged to have the name and number of a Comcast worker provided to me by my complex, at first. I call him, explain that the entire weekend, ever since I’ve had the cable, that it hasn’t been working properly. I try to explain about how the only reason I got it was to play games online, that ping matters in these games, and was met with confusion and not very much care. He told me he would be sending a guy out the next day between 5-8, I could be home at this time.

Next day, 4:30 PM, I recieve a phone call from Comcast. It’s the guy who is supposed to be coming over, I mean helping me via phone, because it’s obviously some problem on my end that can easily be fixed, over my cell phone. This guy keeps telling me everything he sees is just fine, he can see no problem. I run a tracert to, line 1 is under 1ms each hop (to my router), line 2 times the fuck out every damn hop for every tracert I do (which I’m told is probably my connection to the apartment complexes “central cable hub”). So the guy tells me he just ran a trace route and everything looks okay, god damn I hate lazy people who don’t want to do their jobs.

So he tells me he has to connect me to a more technically qualified err, technician. I’m on hold for 5 minutes, and bam, I’ve been hung up on. I’m about to call my best friend whose name and number I have (My Comcast insider man, thanks apartment complex!) and as I am dialing I get a call, it’s Tech Douche #1, he apologizes for the disconnect and continues the transfer to the more technical tech guy. Finally, a voice who isn’t a commercial. This guy asks what my problem is, I explain the whole game thing again for the third time, am again met with confusion and lack of care. I mean I’m just a kid who plays computer games right, what do I know, what do I matter.

He goes on to tell me he sees no problems (gee you fucking think?) and then asks me again what the problem is exactly that I am experiencing. I again, explain in full detail, about gaming online. What is his, more technical tech, response? With the 6mbps down package you’re not supposed to be able to play online games. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have had this same package in multiple households for around 6 years, I have never encountered this problem ever. Yet, as soon as I get it connected at my own place, my first fucking place, the day it is connected, I have these problems.

I mention something about having no problem cancelling my cable and losing a few mbps to switch to DSL. Oh, now I’ve got your attention, I see. He says he can schedule for a tech to come to my house (I’ve heard that before) the next day, I agree to the times, but have to take off some work in order to be there in the only times they are available. Then he mentions the whole, service charge, thing. I blow up, letting him know that I’m not paying a damn thing for this shit because the only thing I’ve tried to do is play fucking computer games. He explains they’ll only charge if it’s a problem that I created, fine, whatever.

The tech comes over, I show him my tracerts, how they all time out on the second line. Yet he still has to fiddle with my computer and shit, for some fucking reason. I decide to sit in my living room and wait for the guy to tell me he can’t do shit. After a few minutes I hear his fat man sighs, and finally he emerges from my room with his bullshit explanation of how he fixed it, though he would still send some maintenance guys out to check outside. Apparently unplugging my router, and “changing some stuff on your modem”, was the only problem I had! So he leaves, I get on my computer, fire up the ol CS, and am met with the same fucking problem I had in the first place. Joy!

So I call my best buddy in the whole world, David, my Comcast inside man (thanks apartment complex!). I have the tone of someone who is about to take their business elsewhere, and he’s quick to reassure me that the maintenance guys will fix the problem. A few days go by, I notice 2 Comcast vans parked in front of my building one day, hooray I think! Comcast is here to help me! Wrong! Nothing has changed, my shit still sucks, and I’m about tired of watching fucking movies all the goddamned time.

I get a call from an inside man at Comcast, John, who gives me his extension 7612, just not the number it’s an extension of. He offers to upgrade me to 16mbps down while I wait for my connection to get fixed. You see, John here has talked to plenty of gamers around the office, and apparently servers like to fuck up my internet, DUH! So after listening to his bullshit attempt to convince me he even talked to someone who knows what online gaming is, our conversation ended. I was somewhat hoping my internet wouldn’t get fixed so I could have 16mbps down for the same price as 6, yet I also kinda figured it wouldn’t help at all.

So, I bitch to David a bit more, and he tells me on this request for a tech to come out he will make it so that a more knowledgeable tech will come (probably stamped it: URGENT) and save my fucking day. So, two guys show up at my door (this is the 2nd day I’ve had to take off work for this shit) and I let em loose on my shit. Apparently they need to know who came here last time, which didn’t really sound comforting to me. They then commence digging in my wall, fucking with wires. Hooray!

Thirty minutes later, they’re done, they apparently fixed some problem in there, it should all be okay. Wrong again! Nothing has changed, oh yeah, my internet has gotten slower and now my TV sucks too. Man, how fucking awesome is this going to get? So today I call my buddy David, no answer (in the middle of the working day), so I leave him a message regarding how much my shit sucks, still. Instead of him calling me back, the last tech to show up calls me. I tell him it’s gotten worse, and now my TV even fucks up.

He tells me when he was outside digging in the dirt, he noticed some problem, and was sending maintenance out to fix it. Fine, I’ll see if this fucking does anything, though I really doubt it will. I can play some more singleplayer D2 until I am forced to get DSL and never pay Comcast.

So i get home, check the mail, and bam! Another Comcast bill, alfuckingready? This time there is a service charge for $38. Apparently, the first tech found a problem on my side (even though he fucking sent out maintenance guys) and figured it was cool to just charge me for his time. Neat. So now I have a $100 Comcast bill that I’m not even going to think about paying until this shit gets straightened out.

As a fresh on my feet youngin, just moving out into the world, I am somewhat shocked that people actually suck this much ass. I mean you hear about it all the time, it just doesn’t happen to you so, obviously, it doesn’t exist.

I read tons of the Comcast sucks horror stories on the net, while using Comcast. I just never really knew how much they actually fucking suck.

If there’s anyone out there who can help me, I’d really appreciate it.

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